Navigating the Holidays as a Stepmom (Part 2): how to take care of yourself

In part one I wrote about what common challenges arise around the holiday season. In this post we review how to best navigate the holidays and how to take care of yourself.

The season can heighten Stepfamily challenges and create more pressures for Stepmoms. Here are some tips to help you embrace this time of year while taking care of yourself through this season of Stepmotherhood.

Communicate with your husband

Talk with him early, before the holiday schedules and demands start to take over. As Stepmoms, you might be left out of the loop from your husband’s lack of communication, extra school responsibilities or other events that you don’t know about until last minute. Plan ahead and look at the calendar together about upcoming events for both of you and your kids, and discuss what effect the holidays have on your custody schedule. Make note of any changes that might need to be made to your normal routine and what change in responsibilities might come along with this change (i.e. a change in pick-up time? Earlier school dismissal? You Stepkid has a recital or special holiday event to attend?). Come up with a plan about how you can support one another during this hectic time, decide who takes on certain tasks, and what events and traditions are important to you. Prepare for events you may have with your stepkids co-parent and help your husband understand how he might be able to support you during these events.

Know Your Triggers

Be aware of the events that you feel anticipation over or dysregulated by. Being aware of what demands, interactions, or changes might contribute to you feeling overwhelmed, dysregulated, excluded, resentful, or upset, can switch you out of crises mode and into preparation and planning mode to set you and your Stepfamily up for success navigating the holiday season. It might be helpful to talk with your support system, friends, or therapist to reflect on what you find yourself anticipating or dreading and to work through some of those difficult feelings that arise. Have a back up plan on what to do if you find yourself in a difficult situation that leaves you feeling triggered.

Create a Plan and Clear Boundaries

Preparing for the events ahead of time and making a clear plan and boundaries for yourself and your Stepfamily helps to take the uncertainty out of this season. Do you find your Aunt Margaret who you host for thanksgiving to be judgmental about your family dynamic? Have a way to communicate, end the conversation, politely excuse yourself, or even pull in a supportive family member to buffer the interactions. A kids school recital where your Stepkid’s other parent will attend? Talk to your husband about where you would be comfortable sitting or what interactions you would be comfortable having. An example could be: politely keeping a distance or keeping chit chat short and sweet if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable about attending these events. You can also plan to spend a certain amount of time in a place or with a person, or have a plan to retreat when things get too overwhelming or unsettling. Knowing what you might need to get through an uncomfortable interaction and setting yourself up with a plan can help to make the festive and frazzled time feel a little more freeing.

Have realistic expectations

Sometimes everything you hope to happen or the ideal way you would like things to go doesn’t always turn out how you envisioned it. It could be that you were hoping that the holidays would bring you and your stepfamily closer together through celebrations and traditions, and sometimes your stepkids don’t follow suite. Be flexible and willing to compromise and take into account each person’s wishes to show that you value them and to promote a strong relationship.

Engage in Self-Care

We all know with the holidays comes lots of chaos so don’t forget to take care of yourself, Stepmom! Remember, you have permission to slow down, rest, and engage in something that can be recharging for you. When you take care of yourself, you show up better for your Stepfamily. As they say, you can’t pour out of an empty cup. So make sure to fill your cup, Stepmom!

Being flexible and adaptable with your expectations helps to decrease feelings of disappointment. If something is very important to you, communicate these expectations clearly to your partner. If your stepkids aren’t participating in the way you had hoped, try to extend empathy to their situation and put yourself in their shoes to relax your expectations. Do the things that you enjoy for the holidays, and don’t depend on others to be a part of it to make it happen for yourself. This might mean saving those holiday wishes to something you and your partner can enjoy together, or saving those plans to do with a supportive friend or family member.

The holidays can be a fun, festive, and joyous time even while navigating the challenges of Stepfamily life. Remember, whatever your holiday brings you can choose to celebrate the traditions important to you and it doesn’t have to take place on the exact day the holiday is marked on your calendar. It can be a time for bonding, shared family experiences, and togetherness.