Navigating the Holidays as a Stepmom (Part 1): things to watch out for

What do you find yourself anticipating as the holidays approach? Maybe it’s the change from routine, more time with extended family, or other unknowns that are unique challenges for Stepfamilies. Feelings of resentment, exclusion, stress, grief and tension, can arise during the holiday season and they may look different from what you had dreamt about and hoped for. The challenges of Stepfamily life can be amplified during the holiday season. Here are some things to watch out for to know you are not alone, to embrace the holiday season and make it easier for you and your Stepfamily.

Different Values and Cultures Coming Together

During the holiday season you and your stepfamily might have different ways of celebrating, and different traditions to celebrate the season. In the early days of Stepfamily formation, you are stepping into a family that has already formed their way of doing things, and you have your own ways of commencing and celebrating the holiday season. As you incorporate both of your family’s respective traditions and values, you will find your path towards sharing these experiences as a family and even creating new traditions together. Treat each other with respect, practice being flexible, and understand that each other’s traditions and ways of celebrating are important to both you and your stepfamily. Respect and flexibility helps to support each member of the stepfamily being valued and strengthens the relationship dynamics.

Schedule Changes

The holiday season can bring schedule changes and a change up in routine. Between the agreements set around how time with the kids is split around the holidays, difficult co-parents, school academics, events, and extracurricular activities, the holidays and the time leading up to them requires a little more flexibility and awareness of the impact on you, your husband, and stepkids. Talking with your husband early about upcoming schedule changes, events, and demands can help you prepare for the upcoming holiday season, express each other’s needs, and manage your expectations.

Extended Family

The holidays usually means more time with extended family, on both sides for the kids, It could mean increased time with your family, your in-laws or it could mean that the kids are seeing the other side of their family more. This time with extended family could feel like a benefit if you feel supported by them, and if you feel unsupported, it can feel like another wild card thrown into an already hectic time.

Grief

Grief during the holidays can arise in a Stepfamily for several reasons. The loss of an idea of how you had hoped to celebrate with your husband and/or stepkids or a difference in the usual traditions which is heightened by the Stepfamily dynamic can contribute to these feelings of grief. Stepfamilies are also born out of an ending or loss of a relationship which can spark feelings of grief as past holidays looked different. Your own feelings of grief based on your own previous experiences can also arise during this time. Acknowledging these difficult feelings and being kind to yourself, and having empathy for your husband’s and/or stepkid’s experience of grief helps to hold space for this heavy feeling. If you find yourself having a hard time grappling with grief, speaking to a licensed psychotherapist can help process these difficult feelings and find the right coping skills to work through them in a healthy way.

Unmanaged expectations

Check in with yourself about what you are expecting this holiday season. Be mindful of the stories you are creating in your head and double check what is important to you. Check in with yourself about where you might be rigid and how you can be more flexible with your Stepfamily. If something is important to you, do it! Just don’t get stuck in the trap of setting high expectations.

(Coming soon!!) Continue reading to part 2 to see how to best navigate these challenges on the next blog post!