9 Things To Expect Adjusting to Your New Stepfamily Life

Adjusting to Stepfamily life takes time. A known principle is that it takes 2-7 years for a stepfamily to form. With 2 different families and ways of doing things as these different families come together, it can be some adjustment to live together. That being said, it shouldn’t be expected that both families conform to each other or one family adopts the other’s way of doing things. It also shouldn’t be expected that because you live together, everyone will get along or things will easily fall into place. It can be a long, strenuous road, and with intention, compassion, curiosity, good communication, and a sense of what to expect in Stepfamily dynamics, can help navigate your family life to being one of potential and contributing to it’s members living successfully together. Here are some common things to expect in the early days of blended family life formation.

1) Figuring out conflict with your Spouse with your Stepkids present.

Children precede the relationship and in a newly formed Stepfamily, not only are the members adjusting to life together but the adult couple is navigating life together and communicating through conflict. Stepfamily life can create plenty of conflict and shake-ups through the children’s schedule changes, co-parenting, getting used to sharing space with new members, and working through expectations and disappointments, just to name a few contributing factors. Being a Stepmom there will be moments when you and your partner disagree or need to talk something over and instead of having time to just talk it over the two of you, children might be present or the children’s needs are in need of attention for the time being. Speaking with your partner and agreeing about when is the best time to address these issues by creating a plan for communication that works with your schedules and that of your stepkids, can help to ensure that the issues that are arising will be addressed and worked through with your partner.

2) You will need to build relationships and get to know your Stepchildren. 

This is such an important step! When building a blended family it is important to build relationships and take the time to connect and get to know your Stepkids. What are their likes and dislikes, who are their friends at school? Finding time to get to know your Stepkids helps to establish and forge a relationship.  Stepping in too early to discipline your stepkids can be detrimental to the relationship with your stepchild. Leave the discipline to their bio-parent until you have established a relationship with them that gives you leverage to also discipline them appropriately. Even then, it might be helpful to take inventory of where you relationship is with your stepchild and rely on their bio-parent to talk to them about certain matters when necessary. 

3) Your Stepchildren’s age will impact how receptive they are to you

Children younger than 8 years old are typically more receptive to Stepparents. Children that are 8 and older are usually less receptive as they are heading into adolescence and individuating from the family, their parents and others as they start to focus on more social interactions outside of their family. It is helpful to understand that your child’s age and development changes throughout the Stepfamily years. Considering as they age they start to individuate is an important reminder for Stepmoms, so you don’t feel cast aside or take things personally that are really developmentally appropriate behaviors. 

4) Keep in Mind Being A Stepmom Is The Hardest Role

Women typically take on a lot in their role as Stepmom. From helping out with the kids in ways that your family needs, or managing the home to help make sure your Stepkids are clothed, fed, supported with school and activities, and have a space provided for them to grow in, to name just a handful of things Stepmoms do, Stepmoms usually take on a lot and expect a lot. This can lead to feelings of resentment if it leaves you feeling taken for granted, unacknowledged, or unrecognized for your efforts that you selflessly and generously contribute.  

5) Communication between you and your Spouse’s expectations

Get clear on who will be taking what chores on. Be clear about what your needs are, whether that’s time for yourself, to step back in some of your duties with the Stepkids, or attention from your partner. It’s important that you are honest and check in with yourself about your needs and communicate with your partner in an effective way in order to tackle the issue together. Unexpressed expectations can lead to resentment, so getting ahead of it will set you up for success. 

6) Communicating Needs Before They Turn To Resentments

Adjusting to stepfamily life is subtle and life changing all at once. You are getting used to new people, new dynamics, and ways of living with one another. You might be figuring out boundaries with the ex and navigating individual family members  feelings of grief over the loss of their former family. There are so many dynamics you are taking into consideration and it’s important to express your need and talk to your partner about what is important to you and the things you are needing like space, time away from Stepkids, or time with your husband.

7) You will feel on the outside of your Stepfamily at times

This is a reality of Stepfamily life that it is important to not only be aware of but to be able to accept and still feel confident in your role in your Stepfamily’s life. The kids have an attachment with their Dad and can look to him first to get their needs met or for emotional support and that  is not only okay but healthy. Don’t try and interfere or interject yourself, instead do something for yourself when you are feeling left out. Know that the kids also need time with their Dad, and there will also be time for you to connect with them, your husband, and family. 

8) You will have a different perspective towards your Stepkids behaviors than your Husband

Something that you view as entitlement or acting out, your husband might view as just normal kid behavior or understand what needs of theirs they are trying to communicate. It’s important to keep in mind that your differing perspective of your stepkids isn’t something that leaves you at odds, and that both you and your husband want what's best for your stepchild.

9) Find Time to Do the Things You Love

Although kids' school, activities, and overall needs can feel very consuming, don’t become so encompassed in your role as Stepmom that you forget the things you love to do. Make sure that you are still taking time to rest, exercise, sleep, spend time with your friends, and participate in the other activities that you enjoyed before your transition to married life with Stepkids. 

There are lots of new things that come up while adjusting to living in a new house together, new routines, sharing space, figuring out meals, planning kids activities and everything else that goes into Stepfamily life. Just remember to stay attuned to yourself and your new family and to respond with compassion and empathy with yourself and them. It is a change for everyone involved, and change takes time to transition into. Chances are if you are reading this blogpost you are already on the right track to managing the adjustments that exist in the early days of Stepfamily life.