How To Successfully Navigate Rejection As A Stepmom
By Lilly Gibson, Therapist and Stepmom Coach
We all know that being in the Stepmom role you will have moments of feeling like the outsider in your family. You might also experience periods of rejection. Rejection might show up when you try to connect with your Stepchild and build your relationship or in the mundane day to day tasks. It might happen when you ask to play a game or to spend time together and they decline. Or maybe they are just looking to their parent to meet one of their needs and it leaves you feeling excluded. Stepchildren need their parents and have a longstanding history with them. Our Stepkids often won’t, if at all, want attention from their Stepparents like they do from their biological parents. This feeling of rejection can be painful. For a Stepmom, who can feel on the outside of her Stepfamily, there can be lots of interactions and events that leave her feeling left out, unworthy, and unseen in her family. This experience can leave her with a sense of feeling lonely, unimportant, and overlooked. As humans we are social creatures who like to be included and a part of social events, so being excluded, particularly in our own family and home, can be devastating.
Part of navigating rejection as a Stepmother is knowing the challenges that you face, as well as being resilient in the face of rejection. This will help you and your family dynamic overall. According to Dr. Kiplinger Williams (2009) exclusion can threaten our four basic psychological needs including self-esteem, belongingness, the need to perceive control in our environment, and the need to feel recognized. Persistent exposure to being ostracized can lead an individual to resignation, alienation, helplessness and depression.
These uncomfortable feelings of being excluded often stick around. With Stepchildren you can feel invisible. As humans we have primal feelings and needs of wanting to be included and we want people to want us around. So when our Stepkids exclude us, it can feel painful.
This will be especially triggering for the Stepmom who felt unloved, rejected, or unimportant in some way in her own family of origin. Even if you have a secure attachment, rejections or perceived rejections can leave you feeling low in your self-confidence. When your partner turns away from you to tend to his child, it can leave a Stepmom feeling less important, and sidelined, and even powerless. Although, we try to avoid such feelings in our daily interactions, they are a burdensome reality of Stepmotherhood.
Although, feelings of rejection can be hurtful. The hurt comes from a place of wanting connection, belonging, and to feel worthy in a scenario of Stepfamily life that functions much differently than first time families. The good news is you are resilient, Stepmom, and you can recover and move though the hard parts of Stepparenting like rejection and feeling like an outsider.
Grant Glaze (2024) states that part of the healing process entails redirecting the feelings of wanting to punish the person that hurt us. Retaliating can have harmful affects that can leave lasting damage on your relationships and attempts for connection with your Stepchildren and Spouse.
How do you Cope with Rejection as a Stepmom?
Things that Help
One-on-One Time
Plan to have one-on-one time with your Stepchild doing something they like and will enjoy doing with you. Make sure to plan one-on-one time with your Spouse so that you can connect and bond without your Stepchildren present.
Have a back-up plan
So you put yourself out there and made yourself available and your Stepkid wasn’t interested. Have a plan for yourself if they do say no. What would feel good for you to do for yourself in this moment instead?
Demonstrate Empathy and Compassion
Try not to take their rejection personally. Put yourself in their shoes. We have all had moments of not wanting to do things at certain moments. Give your Stepkid some grace and know that it’s okay that it didn’t work out this time. It’s a human experience to not want to engage in an activity or with people when there is something else we had in mind. That’s okay.
Notice Your Self-Talk
If you start to become critical of yourself or find yourself in the all or nothing thinking, “They never want to spend time with me.” or “I always try so hard to spend time with them and they never want to” or “Our relationship is always going to be this way”, you might want to pause and reframe your thoughts to an encouraging narrative like “They didn’t want to spend time with me this time, that’s okay, I feel that way sometimes too, I’m going to use this as an opportunity to do something for me”. Then, go take a bath, organize your clothes, or listen to music and paint your nails- do something that feels good to YOU.
Tap in to your Personal Agency
Where do you have agency in your life, Stepmom? Is it in certain aspects of your home, or maybe with your friends? Maybe it’s a project at work or something else you enjoy. Focus on the things within your control.
Pro tip: If you are feeling particularly vulnerable, in your feelings, or upset, it might be a good time to take care of yourself and not put yourself in the position of being rejected or feel like the outsider, AGAIN. Take care of your needs and know that there will be more opportunities to build your relationship with your Stepkids. Your Stepkids are lucky to have a Stepmom willing and ready to connect with them and who is a positive impact in their lives. Yes, Stepmom you matter!
Being a Stepmother takes courage, vulnerability, and intention. It’s not easy to be in a scenario that family members don’t naturally connect or have a history of positive experiences together. This is a part of Stepfamily life that is helpful to keep in mind to manage your own expectations. Remember, that you will have other opportunities to connect. It takes time and effort to build a relationship with your Stepchildren. Respond with warmth and compassion to their rejections and refusals. When it leaves you feeling on the outside, take care of yourself to help regulate your nervous system. Practice these things to help you successfully navigate the challenges of Stepmotherhood.
If you notice you are still struggling, and find yourself getting stuck or feeling overwhelmed you might want to reach out to work with a Therapist or a Stepmom Coach. Interested in working together? Contact me today to set up a 15 minute consultation call.
References
Williams, K. D. (2009). Chapter 6 Ostracism: a Temporal Need‐Threat Model, Advances in Experimental Social Psychology,. Retrieved February 19, 2025, from https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0065260108004061
Grant Glaze, H. (2024, January). The Pain of Rejection: A guide to Finding Our Footing Again. The Therapist.